THE PERPETUAL PROCESS OF BECOMING

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I realized the importance of landscaping very early on in life. A transformation of the ramshackle house I grew up in corroborated that belief. Mum decided the house should get a fresh coat of paint every year and maintained a pretty patch of green to highlight the radiant white exterior. She eventually added a few hanging pots of flowering shrubs to the wide picture window and lovingly guided the Bougainvillea to embrace the roof on one side. Whenever I walked towards my home after a long day, it was to this warm, welcoming sight. Not one to settle on the obvious, I let that metaphorically permeate every area of life. However, not everyone is born with a green thumb. And so, just like the plants I touched died so also did I make numerous mistakes to complicate an otherwise decently uncomplicated life. I called it my anti-Midas touch.

A few years later, when my daughter was about two, she developed a fear of road bumps. Every time, the car hit one, she would bawl. While detangling her issues (and many road bumps later), I inched towards finding answers to mine. It was a massive landscaping job. In the words of Harry Emerson Fosdick, “The common phrase, ‘building a personality’ is a misnomer. Personality is not so much like a structure as like a river – it continuously flows, and to be a person is to be engaged in a perpetual process of becoming.” It was around that time that Patrick had entered my life and become my editor/implied mentor. The contouring took on a new meaning. What I wanted from my writing, was not to build up a body of work that represented me, but a personality that reflected who I essentially was.

On my recent trip to Dubai, as the airplane hovered over the city waiting for a signal to land, my thoughts drifted back to my mother’s garden. From a stark, barren desert, the city had been transformed into a beautiful, vast oasis. I love the city for more reasons than one. Each time I seem to find another lost part of my soul there. When I leave home, I’m not really stepping out of a dismayed chaos, but rather stepping into barefaced clarity. I love my Mumbai home but the routine can get jaded and I welcome the unfolding of horizons as I step away from familiarity. There’s a certain charm to unstructured days abroad.  Curated travel has never appealed to me; what does is to wake up and go where the day leads you. Out of such fluid days emerges a dazzling lucidity that to me is the essence of travel and of life.

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While I savoured freshly made Tabouleh and salty feta cheese, what really nourished me, as always, were the people. Despite our insistence not to, our long time friend, Vishwas and his daughter, Shreya welcomed us with huge smiles at the airport and took us home for a spicy, Arabic feast. In the glow of dimmed lamps, the meal speckled with constant banter felt like a warm homecoming.

The next day, my college buddy, Sushma took me to brunch with her girl gang. Ina and Sumi, were a delightful onslaught on my unsuspecting senses. Gregarious, unrestrained bundles of fun; they were like a ‘whirlwind meditation’ to my jet-lagged mind. Sai greeted me with an easy familiarity and I realized that even first hugs can have the warmth of old friendships. Deepika’s wry sense of humor and calm beauty were a beautiful contradiction that bowled me over. Shilpi was soothingly radiant and Aastha emanated a serene strength. And above all, my kindred spirit, Sushma. She, unbeknownst to her, is my astute guru. Her unadorned, easy approach to life is a constant reminder of what I aspire to be.

Later, as Sushma and I lounged in her living room over bowls of homemade dessert, she reminded me of what I’m adept at forgetting all too often – to remain calm and centered. It was reminiscent of how Patrick had lovingly spoken to the young, unpublished writer in me many years ago. “Write from your heart and let your words reflect who you are’, he had said, “and if I sense a heartbeat there, I’ll publish it.” It was a subtle pruning, but deeply significant.

My fourth night in Dubai dripped exuberance. School friends are always special – Felix’s quiet warmth, Sheryll’s joviality, Rupa’s sweetness, Anil’s amiability and Sham’s candor were a potent mix that set the evening on fire. We danced without restraint, teased and talked endlessly and just like that, in the middle of a pursed life, we were fourteen again. We crammed our almost 365 minutes together with a year’s worth of fun. It was 3 AM when we finally huddled together outside my hotel for a reluctant goodbye.

The last afternoon was spent with family. The voices were as familiar as the food was exotic. Over generous helpings of Yemini rice and easy bonding, I relaxed into a feeling of absolute contentment.

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Making a home in people, breaking bread and leaving imprints in souls means nourishing body and spirit in the true sense.  The beauty and magnanimity that people bring into our lives teaches us what we need to know about becoming real. Because all said and done, the ‘process of becoming’ is not some spiritual gibberish but the very core of the human experience. We are all given a piece of earth, what we do with it and how we shape and reflect our spirit is totally up to us. Because, and again I quote Fosdick, “Whatever you may  fail  at,  you  need  not  fail  at  being  a  real person.”

 

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LOSING FINGERPRINTS

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I was probably a third grader, when my first letter arrived in the mail. It was a point in time when I was learning the enchantment of words and the stringing of them together into sentences. The fact that an envelope bore my name was a big deal to me and the idea of someone writing to me was beyond magical. That was the first of a series of letters that soon became my prime hope of knowing a father who was physically absent from my young life. Dad had left for foreign shores when I was barely three. The only connection that we could now have, apart from his annual visits, was through the monthly letters that he wrote mum and me. The letters were always beautifully scripted in Dad’s bold, cursive hand and ran into multiple pages. He had been a published writer and at one point, had written some very imaginative and funny stories in his native language. His creativity was now unleashed in the letters he wrote. There was a charm to those sultry afternoons, the dreariness of which could only be made luminescent by the simple arrival of a letter.

A couple of years later, leafing through a magazine in the library, I came across the concept of ‘pen friends’. It was a fascinating thought and I lost no time signing up to the ‘Pen Friend’s Club.’ We passionately wrote to each other across countries and continents, sharing our humdrum life which the other found suitably exotic. To our innocent minds, it was a delightful experience, as thrilling as physically discovering a new city.

 It might seem strange that in an age of speedy digital communication, I’m longing for an era gone by. The virtual world is great; it’s like a manifestation of Neverland and there’s no end to how far one can go here. But like everything else, we need to rein ourselves in and know where to draw the line. We’ve initiated new and rekindled old relationships by the dozen. But how many of them have any depth? And where is the honesty in our altered, pseudo lives? While getting in touch with a lot of people, we seem to be drifting away from our own selves. By endlessly typing out thoughts and feelings, we are gradually losing our fingerprints. The deluge of information is so much, we have no time to sift through it.

Emily Dickinson wrote: “Some keep the Sabbath going to Church, I keep it staying at Home.” It’s worth contemplating on how we can expand the meaning of Sabbath beyond just the religious connotations. As they say in Kyoto, “Don’t just do something. Sit there.” Pico Iyer writes in his book ‘The Art of Stillness’: “The very people (..), who have worked to speed up the world are the same ones most sensitive to the virtue of slowing down.” He goes on to describe his visit to the Google headquarters where he found “the workers at the time enjoying a fifth of their working hours free, letting their minds wander off leash to where inspiration might be hiding.”

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So while I stay attuned to the times, I’d like to sporadically veer off towards old-fashioned ways. The white noise of thoughtless forwards, countless jokes and pointless chats is jarring to the soul and I long for hushed voices and meaningful conversations over steaming cups of coffee in real cafes. It would be nice to look into people’s eyes and hear their laugh instead of deciphering emoticons. It would be refreshing to hear people say words that they really, truly mean. Why can’t we give and receive real flowers instead of virtual ones and occasionally go through the trouble of mailing a handwritten letter? At the risk of sounding passé, I crave the allure of things gone by.

Three days ago, it was M’s birthday. The last time I saw her face was four a half years ago. It’s strange how a person fills up your life and then suddenly vanishes without warning. What do you do with a love that can never be replaced? I remember our last meal together in the Indian restaurant right below her building. When I told her that we were moving back to India, she had recoiled as if something had hit her. Saying a tearful goodbye, we had promised to write to each other, but sadly never did. Five years later, she was flown home and I was feeding her little morsels of bland rice in a dismal hospital room. The next day, she was gone. The memory of her doesn’t leave me. If only I had those letters we never wrote to each other.

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As I lay half-awake in the shadows of dawn this morning, memories came to me like snippets of a strange dream. Later I found myself on a park bench, pen poised over a notepad, starting a letter that I had promised a friend two months ago. I refuse to live with another broken promise. As if on cue, the pigeons settled around me like a clique. Sunshine filtered through the leaves. I recalled that the Japanese have a term for it: ‘Komorebi’, this interplay of light and leaves on the ground. It is the light curtain which is more visible after the rain. There’s a science behind it, but I couldn’t be bothered right then. Just that it seemed beautifully premeditated and made for an aesthetically perfect setting.

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UBUNTU

It is said that the poor are the most generous.  I don’t know if that’s entirely true, but generosity does seem more profound when you have little and yet give. I was raised in a modest neighbourhood.  We were probably the most well-to-do family as compared with the rest, and believe me we weren’t doing that great.  My next door neighbours were a family of six – mother, father and four sons.  They had a meagre income and were always struggling to make ends meet.  Even then, I remember bowls of steaming food arriving for us before they had eaten themselves.  I especially looked forward to the festivals.  That was when the best food was served.  There was not a single festival when they ate without sending us food first.  The other neighbours were big-hearted too; so open-handedness and simplicity was a staple we grew up on.

Now when I’m getting attracted to the concept of minimalism, it’s probably me going back to my roots.  If you have experienced the beauty of a simple life and simple emotions you will understand this better.  If you haven’t, you’d probably want to know what the fuss is about.  At the end of the day, all we ever want is peace, happiness and good health.

My friend just forwarded me this very beautiful story.  An anthropologist proposed a game to a bunch of African tribal kids.  He placed a basket of fruit under a tree and asked them to stand about 100 metres away from it.  Then he announced that whoever got to the basket first could have all the fruits.  As soon as he said, “Ready, steady, go!” guess what the kids did.  They held on to each other’s hands and ran towards the tree together.  They then divided the fruit amongst themselves and happily relished the meal.  When asked why they did so, they replied in unison, “Ubuntu”.  Ubuntu in their language means: ‘I am, because we are!’

When I imbibe this philosophy of ‘Ubuntu’ fully and honestly, I would have crossed an important milestone in my journey towards minimalism.

© Renica Rego