THE QUARANTINE OF 2020

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Every morning, for days now, I’ve been observing the process and patience of nature. As I sit by the window sipping tea, my gaze is fixed on the Yellow-flame tree outside. A pair of great egrets had built a nest and soon I spotted three little heads popping through the branches. It was a joy to see new life. However, what interested me was how beautifully unhurried and serene the process was. They say life doesn’t come with a manual, but it does. Just look around.

2020 has been nothing short of revolutionary so far. It has brought humankind down on its knees in the most ‘unprecedented’ way. One after the other, countries have gone into lockdown owing to the dreaded Covid-19 Corona virus. This must be the first time in history that everyone is, quite literally, in the same boat and speaking the same language.  Status, hierarchy, political differences, religious differences, everything has melted away, at least for now. People are more compassionate and empathetic towards each other.

When the lockdown was announced in India, the collective panic of the nation was felt like a tangible thing. I felt it too, but only for a few minutes. It is important that fear, sooner than later, gives way to acceptance. Back in school, I remember painting a motivation card and placing it on the television set. It read: Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst. This quote had a profound effect on me. People might see me as an idealist, but for the longest time, I’ve built myself on the idea of acceptance. When faced with a dire situation, my first question is: “What is the worst that can happen and how will I handle that?” It instantly calms me down, because I realise that life doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. In any difficult situation, allow yourself to feel the fear and panic fully, let it rattle you, then take a deep breath and think about how you can best handle it.

A friend recently asked me how we can maintain hope and optimism in the midst of such tremendous panic. The quarantine of 2020 has given us a lot to reconsider: how we live our lives, how we must conduct ourselves, what is really important, what are our strengths and weaknesses, how we can rearrange ourselves and how we must use technology to our advantage. The onslaught of conflicting information is overwhelming. The loss of life is disturbing. So, my first step was to cut out the unnecessary information and focus on things that sustained me. That done, it has been heartening to see how human spirits shine during a crisis. There is so much to learn. If we eschew the victim mentality and adopt a warrior mindset, we are bound to win.

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Lent, for the past couple of years has been a significant time for me. This year, once churches closed down, schedules got disrupted. But the season, that ends today, has turned out to be more profound than usual. We have realised so much in this short time. People who matter, the ones who care about you and the ones you worry about. The frivolity of titles and luxuries that don’t seem important, because all we need to survive right now are essentials. Above all, there is deep gratitude for all that we have received in abundance. Nature has provided us with so much, but it is only when our breath is threatened by a virus that we recognise the blessings we have taken for granted.

Let us not blame anyone or demand proof of a God that we can relate to only by faith. We are called human ‘beings’, so all we essentially need to do is learn how to ‘be’. Let us stop running around and slow down. After all the signs, do we, who call ourselves educated and thinking people, need more proof?

It’s Easter Sunday tomorrow and what better day to send out a message of hope and renewal to a world that is desperately looking for a ray of light. Nothing lasts forever. This too shall pass. However, and this is important, let us not lose faith. Let us allow the experience to heal and redeem us.

 

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THE VAGUS NERVE

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2019 has been a year of striking contrasts. On the one hand, I finally got my first book of poems published. The appreciation and love that poured in, put me in a many-hued reverie. On the other hand, I was decidedly neglecting my health and ending up feeling listless all the time. Wasn’t I the one who always reprimanded people on valuing material gifts, but abusing their own bodies, the most precious gift that life bestows on us? Somehow, my innate wisdom had abandoned me, returning to survey the damage a little too late.

There’s a Japanese phrase ‘Kuchisabishii’, which means “when you’re not hungry, but you eat because your mouth is lonely.” At some point or the other, we are prone to emotional eating and drinking, but when indulgence becomes habit, it is a cause for concern. It is a sign that something is wrong at a deeper level. Thankfully, life provides a U-turn on most paths. Now I’m bringing the focus back on wellness; exercising, trying to eat sensibly and most importantly, regaining the mental calm that is imperative to stay on the path.

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On hindsight, this year certainly has been the perfect teacher, stern and relentless in its lessons but compassionate and fair too. There were times when the ground beneath my feet seemed to be slipping, when nothing gave me hope and my otherwise radiant smile seemed totally jaded.  Just in time though, some good karma found its way back in the form of an extended hand, urging me to take baby steps all over again.

Recently, while listening to a podcast, I learnt about the ‘Vagus nerve’, the so called “nerve of emotion”. It is the largest cranial nerve that relays messages between the brain and the respiratory, digestive and nervous systems. It is this neural pathway that determines your ability to find calm by activating the “relaxation response”, thus decreasing stress and inflammation, the underlying cause of all dis-ease. It has now become clear to me why yogic practices such as pranayama and meditation are so important. Establishing an optimal vagal tone should be our top priority in this increasingly stressful world that we live in. If you’re into resolutions or goal-setting, put that on top of your new year’s list. If not, do it anyway.

Another way to improve your vagal tone is to train yourself to experience life mindfully and practice a sense of oneness. Just living in the moment, laughing without restraint, experiencing loving relationships, feeling gratitude and connecting with nature are some easy ways to do so. Allow joy, love and calm to permeate you. Eliminate all things negative. As another year comes to an end, I’d like to tone down my waywardness and put up a wholesome motto for 2020: Love, humility and well-being.

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December is always about an easy, magical buildup to Christmas and a brand new year. The twinkling fairy lights are the best mood-setters and just sitting by the Christmas tree, listening to cheery songs makes me feel grateful for all the little blessings received. It is also the perfect time for slowing down, reflecting on the year gone by and making positive changes.

If you ask me to summate my year’s worth of learning into one word, I’d say, ‘serve’. Make a contribution. As a writer, touching a heart with words of hope, reminding someone to appreciate the little things and sharing personal experiences that others can gain some insight from, seems a good place to start. The upside of this is that when you unwaveringly focus on being your best self, the futility just falls off. Each choice you make creates a ripple effect in your life and consequently affects the life of others. A kind heart, a clear mind and dedicated work can be your best service to humankind. Everyone has purpose, find yours. And promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate. Here’s looking forward to a year full of abundance! Happy 2020.

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THE PLACE TO BE

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When I was about five, mum wanted to sign me up for dance lessons. Too inhibited by the suggestion, I said I’d go only if my friend, Sheryll went with me. The matter ended right there. For a good many years after that, the pleasure of grooving to music remained alien to me. During my final year of college, my friends coerced me to participate in a group dance and it occurred to me that dancing was indeed fun. Even then, it was only after I married an amazing dancer that I actually discovered my own rhythm. Living abroad as a young couple, we hosted and attended a lot of dance parties. It was a carefree, fun phase and we made the most of it.

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Over a decade later, we moved back home and our social life plummeted. The focus was more on family and readjusting to life in Mumbai. We settled into an unremarkable routine of Sunday lunches and the occasional dinner and movie outing. I sorely missed the night life we had previously enjoyed; the thrill of live music, the unrestrained boogieing and the light-hearted friendships forged across bar counters and dance floors. Suburban Mumbai did not have that kind of zing for me.

One night, about a year ago, we walked into a new bar in the neighborhood. It looked fine, the food was decent and the DJ was playing some good tunes. At least, there is music to my liking, I thought. A few weeks later, they introduced weekend live shows and boy was it music to my ears! Wish they had a dance floor, I whined. Around 10.30 PM, we could hold ourselves no longer and stood up to dance in the gaps between tables. Like a miracle, the staff pushed around some furniture and a dance floor appeared! Soon the other diners joined in and we had a blast! That night B-103 climbed to the top of my weekend list. Their tag line: ‘The place to be’ seemed perfect to me.

I’ve been to a lot of bars and restaurants, but nothing beats B-103 for me. It’s not just the music and dancing; that might be available elsewhere too. I believe it’s always the warmth and mood of a place that touches hearts, be it a home or a restaurant. The owners with due support from their staff have weaved a magical web that draws people in. The affability with which we are greeted by everyone (not just the owners and managers, but even the servers who are assigned to other tables), the sincere passion with which we are served, the fact that the musical tastes of patrons are mindfully catered to, the generosity of spirit and the family-like ambiance cannot be contained in words. The only way is to reciprocate.

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It is imperative to mention here that this was a time when I was hitting rock bottom. Personal challenges had left me feeling vertiginous. But each time I stepped into B-103, I forgot everything and life flowed through me, leaving me energized. Soon we made friends, some of whom are now like family. Just being with them, banging tables to the beat and dancing with abandon has become my therapy. Dancing, without being self-conscious, is the best moving meditation for anyone who finds it difficult to sit still. It is a natural and universal way to express our joy. Just watch a child dance and you’ll agree.

There is a term in Sanskrit ‘Rasasvada’, which loosely translated means ‘the taste of bliss in the absence of all thoughts.’ Most of us are living life in a blur, chasing things that don’t really matter in the bigger scheme of things. At some point, we must stop and find our own ‘Rasasvada’.  As I go from one day to the next, I realize the importance of a hearty social life and wholesome relationships that allow me to be myself. I discover the irreplaceability of laughter and joy. Like Sadhguru says, “If you are at all concerned about the world, the first thing you need to do is transform yourself into a joyful being.”

 

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THE SILVER OAK

 

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The minute I stepped out of Cochin International Airport, I intuitively knew this was a place that will speak to my soul. Mr. Sudhan, our driver and guide promptly arrived with a wide smile, his appearance as immaculate as the silver sedan he drove. Little did I know then that this man would rule our hearts for the next six days. A walking encyclopedia of not just the history and geography of Kerala, he could discuss any topic under the sun. By the time we reached Munnar five hours later, he had become my Sudhan ‘cheta’, meaning brother in Malayalam.

On the way, he pointed out Adi Shankaracharya’s Keerthi stambha, Kalady, the Periyar river and briefly let us out at the Cheeyapara waterfalls. After stretching my tired back as I got into the car, he handed me a small lime and said, “Madam, scratch the skin and inhale. Zig-zag road ahead. Good for nausea.” When it was time for lunch, we were desperate for the famous roasted beef and Malabar parotas, but cheta politely pointed out that we must stick to light, vegetarian food as our bodies were tired and the road ahead was bad. I was charmed.

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The next morning, we headed for the Devikulam tea gardens. The small village of Devikulam nestles amidst verdant green slopes, the clouds hanging low on the colorful houses and a lovely chill enveloping the entire hill station. On the way, Sudhan cheta started playing some Hindi music to which I strongly protested. “Only Malayalam and Tamil music please, cheta,” I requested. His face lit up and from there on, all the way to the Flower Garden and later the Lockhart Tea Museum, the discussion turned to our favourite music maestros, Illayaraja, Yesudas, SPB, Janaki, etc.  He knew so much about music and movies that it stumped me. At the Lockhart Museum, we learnt a lot about tea, but for me, music remained the highlight of that afternoon.

Later, walking down the Mattupetty bridge in the light drizzle, I met an old woman selling peanuts and fruits. She kept urging me to buy something. “My wallet is in the car, Amma,” I said. She smiled fondly, forced a pack of peanuts in my hand and replied in halting English, “You eat.  Money later.”

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On the first day, Sudhan cheta had told us that Kerala produces 20 varieties of bananas and that every day he would make us taste a couple of them. As he dropped us back to the hotel, he handed us a packet and grinned, “Today, special red bananas.”

The most scenic and beautiful sight was to unfold the following day. Refreshed from a good night’s sleep, we enjoyed the light drizzle on the way to the Ernavikulam National Park. Munnar is full of tea plantations, but the ride through this one, on the way to Rajamala Hills was the most dramatic. As we stepped out at the foot of the hills, the rain stopped as if on cue. The uphill ramble, with the mountain towering on one side and the valley on the other was the most beautiful walk I’ve ever been on. When we stopped mid-way, the view took my breath away. This is what paradise must look like, I thought.

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The fourth day we drove into a dream called, Thekkady. With the quaint Periyar river, the sleepy beauty of the savanna grasslands, the thick deciduous forests and the abundant wildlife, it was the perfect place for a nature lover like me. It is also a heaven for natural spices.

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After wafting for a couple of hours on the glassy river, we went on a spice trail. Our guide, Ms. Sheeba instantly won us over with her knowledge, heavily-accented Hindi and a beautiful smile. By the end of the hour-long tour, we had more information about spices and herbs than our little brains could possibly hold. As we said our goodbyes to Sheeba, she scribbled her name on the brochure and said, “I wrote my name so you’ll always remember me. I enjoyed talking to you because very few people show genuine interest like you did. Come back soon”.  At our resort, there was another spice whiz called Leeba. She took me around the huge estate, pointing at shrubs and trees, rattling off information and generally making a quick entry into my heart. Leeba means love and it is a perfect name for her.

There was more to unassuming Thekkady. That evening we found ourselves in a small, modest theatre watching Kathakali, one of the oldest theatre forms in the world. The performers were excellent with their expressions, mudras and a short mythological presentation. That was followed by Kalaripayattu, a 3000-year old martial arts form, the oldest in the world. We had been tired that day and had meant to skip these shows, but Sudhan cheta insisted on taking us there. Any other man would have enjoyed the free evening, but he was clearly different.  That night I ate little for I was too full of nature, art and love.

With much reluctance, we left Thekkady two days later, to spend the last day in Alleppy. “Cheta, I am in the land of coconuts, and you haven’t treated me to coconut water yet”, I playfully chided. He grinned and nodded. Driving past several tender coconut stalls, he stopped at one. “Only Kerala coconut for you, madam. Best coconut. You’ll know when you taste it”, he boasted. True to his word, the sweet taste of that water was an elixir to my parched throat.

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The main attraction of Alleppy is, of course, the boat ride on the backwaters. I enjoyed the ride, but the real highlight was meeting my Ayurvedic doctor, who I’d only communicated with on phone for the past four years. The graciousness and love he and his family bestowed on us was heart-warming. On the way back, we asked Sudhan cheta how he knew even the by-lanes so well without once using GPS. “GPS in my head, madam,” he giggled.

“One last gift from me pending, madam,” Cheta crooned on the way to the airport. As he made a quick left turn from the highway, the magnificence of St. George’s church left me gaping! It was by far the most beautiful church I have seen in India. Going down on my knees, I offered my gratitude for all the beauty and love that had come my way in that past week. Among all the information Sudhan cheta had shared, one thing came back to me in that moment. Driving through the tree plantations, he had pointed to the tall trees that stood out awkwardly among the neatly trimmed tea plants. “Those silver oaks are planted on purpose, madam. Their roots go deep, hold the soil together and help maintain moisture and nutrients. They also provide necessary shade for the tea plants. Basically, the tea plants flourish thanks to the silver oak.”

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Kerala is called ‘God’s Own Country’ and every place we went to was bathed in pristine beauty and a natural sanctity that made it feel more like a pilgrimage than a holiday. But what has stayed with me is the memory of some wonderful people who like silver oaks held my ground with the warmth of their love, compassion and humor.

 

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A CASE FOR LOVE

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February arrived like a co-conspirator of romance. It’s a refreshing month that softens the soreness of splintered January resolutions. This year, the Mumbai winter with its constant flirtatiousness has added to the mushiness. Interestingly, when it comes to romance, I’ve been intrigued by my own paradoxical behavior. I write dreamy poetry drenched in adulation, but ask me to define love and I’m suddenly lost for words. With so many dimensions to it, it’s an emotion that’s hard to capture in a mere sentence.

Let’s begin with the wider picture. Just last week, Pope Francis became the first pontiff to visit the Arabian peninsula. The visit was in conjunction to UAE’s celebration of the Year of Tolerance, as declared by H. H. Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan, president of the UAE.  Members of my family were fortunate enough to attend the ceremony and receive his blessing in person. What stood out for me though, was the deference and liberalism displayed by the hosts. Having lived in the UAE for over a decade, I can vouch for the open-mindedness of the rulers of this beautiful country. While religious strife continues to tear apart humanity, such gestures of acceptance underline the basis of love as taught by every religion known to mankind. This is a facet of love that needs urgent resurrection in these troubled times.

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There is a beautiful motto: ‘Love for All Hatred for None’ coined by the third spiritual leader of the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community, Hazrat Mirza Nasir Ahmad (ra). Like Pope Francis, he upholds humility as the key quality that can ensure mutual love. He explains how Islam means ‘peace’ and it is only with mutual love and understanding that its principles can be upheld. I do not know much about them, but from what I’ve gathered the Ahmadis strive to be a living example of their motto.

We all hanker for peace and harmony, but are we adding to the mayhem without even realizing it? Stop for a minute and think of all data you’ve shared and received on social media. Add to that the drawing room debates and chat room arguments. Think about how your direct or indirect participation can cause ripples that have far-reaching consequences. ‘Thoughts become things’, it’s true. Why not stop re-hashing the same stories of dirty politics or religious disparities and focus on how we, as individuals can make a difference? Why not direct our energy to the people around us? Do we even know what is going on in our own homes? Do we have the inclination to have real and personal conversations with our spouses, our children, our parents, our neighbors, our friends? Personal love extends into universal love; that’s the connection I’m trying to make.

My daughter often laments that her generation has become so commitment-phobic that it’s difficult to find someone you can trust. Why have people developed a fear for a simple and beautiful emotion like love? It’s true that real love needs courage; it needs us to go past our egos and open our hearts. It involves caring, consideration, passion and investment. Is that so difficult? Does the need for detachment and impersonal love come from fear and resistance?  Where does this fear come from? We, as humans, are meant to love; it is a natural response of the heart. And love only gets bigger as we spread it around.

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It’s the eve of Valentine’s Day, and as I look out at the fiery resplendence of the evening sky, I realize how love sets us on fire, filling us with a rare radiance. How when love is allowed to respond to life freely, it becomes miraculous.  As we celebrate love tonight, let’s pledge to honor and value what we have. World peace might sound ambitious, but once we learn to radiate the feeling to all, the celebration of love need not remain confined to a designated day.

Happy love days ahead to all.

 

YUGEN

img_20181225_171239Strangely enough, on Christmas day, I found myself on an inter-state train journey. The gradually changing landscape seemed metaphorical, reflecting the hazy passage of months gone by. Memories and thoughts bounced around in my head, keeping me awake through the 13-hour journey. Thankfully, my fellow passengers were a merry lot. They chatted with me, shared food, laughed and felt like family. Like they say, anything is possible on a train journey.

As everyone settled in for a snooze, I stood leaning against the doorway, basking in the soft rays of the setting sun. It felt like a ‘kairos’ moment; the perfect time to let go of all the accumulated heaviness of the past year. In classical rhetoric, ‘kairos’ refers to a proper or opportune time for action. As the train chugged along, I felt ready to get ‘back on track’.

The next morning, as I stepped out onto the red soil of my native land, there was a lightness in my step that had been missing for a while. Despite the unexpected heat, everything seemed to spark indescribable joy. The Japanese call it ‘Yugen’, a profound awareness of the universe that triggers feelings too deep and mysterious for words. It is this very awareness that can supposedly turn our life around.

When he was little, my nephew sometimes would go and sit in the bathroom by himself. When asked why, he would sheepishly say, “I made a mistake, so I’m grounding myself”. It was endearing and hilarious at the same time. Grounding, unlike physical punishment, is a more positive corrective action. By taking away freedom or privileges, children are essentially taught to understand the consequences of their actions.

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As adults, we need grounding too; a different kind, but a lot more restorative. The earth is a huge battery that contains natural electric charge. For safety and stability, most everything in the electrical world is connected to it, whether it is an electric power plant or your refrigerator. That’s what the term ‘grounded’ means, also known as ‘earthing’. The same applies to us too.

We are bio-electrical beings, but thanks to modern city life, we become so disconnected with the earth that it is inevitable that we find a depletion of energy. Reconnecting is the only way we can charge our human batteries and remain healthy. Walking barefoot on a sandy beach or a stroll through the park is sufficient to begin with.  The countryside, for me, became the right place to initiate this kind of rejuvenation.

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On one of my recent jaunts through the National Park in my vicinity, I chanced upon the oldest tree there. Just touching that beautiful tree trunk uplifted me. How mightily it has stood the test of time, through rainstorms and harsh winds!

That is my goal for 2019. To stay strong, majestic and beautiful as I brave everything that life throws at me.  And that is my wish for all of you too.

Whatever else you may have planned for the coming year, remember to experience ‘Yugen’ when possible, ‘ground’ yourself and stay vibrant. Keep bringing yourself back to the awareness from time to time. Do it often, and remind yourself that all of your power is in your awareness.

Michael Bernard Beckwith sums up the awareness of this power when he says, “Remember to remember!” Make this your theme for 2019. Cheers to a sparkling new year!

 

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Grounding information sourced from, ‘Grounding the Human Body: The Healing Benefits of Earthing’ by Clint Ober, Gaetan Chevalier and Martin Zucker

50 CANDLES IN HEAVEN

This is a special tribute to an incredible woman who graced my life for a few years and left all too soon. Sometimes, even the briefest of influences impact our whole life. This is one such relationship. Over the past six years, I’ve written her several letters. It is just my way of coping with grief. Today I’d like to share a piece of this unique love with you all. Marie would have been 50 today, and I imagine the heavens might be lit up with 50 candles.

IMG_20180913_16505207 February, 2012.

Dear Marie,

Time slowed down the minute I walked into your hospital room yesterday. The contours of your frail body looked stark against the backdrop of clinically white sheets. But what followed me home was the vacant look in your eyes. It stilled my heart and I felt betrayed. But recognition slowly returned and you whispered, “Looking good”, like you always do when you see me. I have no recollection of my own response because somewhere in the long expanse of those few seconds, time had slowed down considerably.

Later, while feeding bland grains of rice into your reluctant mouth, I thought of all the meals we had cooked and eaten together. Do you remember how I couldn’t handle your spicy food, but gradually got addicted to it? Those flavours, your laughter, our shared dreams and thoughts, they have soaked into my skin.

You were my rock; and now it is I who awkwardly babbles words of encouragement to you. What do I know about your pain? All through it, you sat motionless; then with a sigh you said, “I’m tired”. That was the moment I knew you were giving up. It felt like the setting sun was taking everything with it and we were struggling to breathe.

As I write, I look at the darkness outside and try to understand the one within. Maybe you need to rest. Maybe I should be okay with it. But I forgot to say ‘I love you’, so will you hold on a little bit longer?

R

[Marie passed away on the 9th, before I had a chance to visit her again.]

IMG_20180913_16483927 September, 2015.

Dear Marie,

It seems like another lifetime when we were kissing each other’s flaws, blowing on burning wounds, our laughter spilling the chilled cocktails that you so enjoyed. Or was it just yesterday that we were confiding over kitchen counters, our words falling over each other, flavoring pots of your spiced curries. Time blurs and I lose myself in what was and what could have been. You continue to live in soulful poems, crop up in the lines of tuneful songs, smile from behind flaming orange suns. I step on the shards of my broken memories and the sting takes me back to you. They say closure is found in stillness, but when I try, the silence becomes your voice and it follows me wherever I go.

[Written two and a half years after her passing, on her 47th birthday.]

 

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27 September, 2018.

Dearest Marie,

There is a silence around me as I write; a silence so dense that I can almost touch it. I hear a distant laugh that sounds just like yours, but it halts right outside the window. It’s been over six years and yet there’s an empty space that nothing seems to fill.

Mostly I try to focus on the good memories, but every little pain reminds me of you too.  I have my own little collection of aches and pains now; although they seem ridiculously miniscule to what you went through. I remind myself of how your myopathic heart brought forth your warrior spirit. ‘The best we can do is find spectacular ways of dealing with our tragedies’, you would say. I try to find solace in words; sometimes I curl up inside thoughts and fall into reveries. Most times though, I flow like a river, unimpeded onto my own course, following my covert goals, unconcerned with the world. You always pushed me to be the best version of myself and I think you might have started being proud of me now.

Last week, we stopped by at your resting place and arranged flowers in your memory. The greenery and peace there are so perfect. I recounted how much you had loved my surprise bouquet on one of your birthdays. Maybe I should have sent you flowers more often. Maybe I should have written you letters while you could still read them.  Maybe what they say is right, that regret is stronger than gratitude.

You would have been 50 today and the air would have been redolent with ginger tea, Davidoff, Peach Schnapps and fried chicken. As the evening folds into the night, I shall raise a glass to the sky and whisper, “Happy birthday, Marie”. Surely it’s a myth that people become stars, but darling, twinkle a little brighter if you are one.

R.

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ENDNOTE:

The purpose of sharing these personal letters is just so they serve as a reminder of how we take people and love for granted. Good people are precious. Recognize and appreciate them. Celebrate life and smile a lot. Never say no to love because not everyone will value you and the ones who do will not stick around forever. So love with the wildest abandon while you can. Tomorrow might be too late.

SAVED BY A SONG

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It was one of those rare occasions when I had wandered into a church. As my knees hit the floor, the strains of ‘Old Rugged Cross’ filled the air; hundreds of voices rose in crescendo and the tears came rolling down. After two years of Marie’s passing, the floodgates had finally opened and cleansed me. That celestial moment became my testament to the undeniable healing power of music.

Being a loner all through my teen years, the only true connection I had was with music and words. On long afternoons, I was almost always found huddled in a corner with a book and in the evenings with my tiny cassette player in a darkened room. Although I never stopped listening to music, the bedtime tradition that had waned over time, is now revived and made sacred. Once the telly is off and I’m alone in my room, the windows are thrown open and the music comes on. Embellished by moonlight and kissed by the gentle breeze, the sounds seem ethereal. It is, without a doubt, the most magical part of my day.

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Years ago, when I had signed up for piano classes, my music teacher had encouraged me to look for life lessons in music. If you let it all the way in, music can bring about a real catharsis, she had said. It’s true. Music can foster unity with another mind, another culture, and life itself, like nothing else can. And all of that comes right back as an insight into your own mind. That’s how the purgation takes place. Some days it’s jazz that moves me, on other days it could be rock or forgotten Bollywood oldies. The music we choose is never random, it reflects our emotional/mental state at the time. That’s exactly why we get obsessed with certain songs; it’s because they speak to our deeper selves.

I have an inherent need to understand a song (and everything else) in all its entirety. So recently when a friend sent me a Bangla song, it upset me that I couldn’t find a proper translation of the lyrics. “You would have enjoyed it more”, he said wryly, “if you just listened to it.” That, right there, was another analogy for life.

The struggle to find our worth can be an ongoing battle. A broken relationship, an unfulfilling career or a lost dream can leave us feeling shoddy. Until one day someone holds a mirror to our soul and we remember love. Just like the beauty of a person is revealed by how they make you feel, so it is with music. A song that you find mediocre could be someone’s favourite just because it spoke to them when they needed it the most. It’s an idea that made me accepting of other people’s choices, in music and in life.

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Whether it’s just a car ride I want to enjoy or a dark patch I’m trying to work through, what has, and always will help me, is a piece of music. Above all else, it teaches us that love is more than just a word. It’s our connection with the world around us. It’s what helps us make sense of the chaos that surrounds us. It shows us that no matter where we live on this planet, we are essentially the same. Sometimes when I find myself withering, I sit back and let a song wash over me, other times I write my own. Either way, it can be safely said, that I’m always saved by a song. A single lyric or melody at the right time can change everything. It can give your life direction, beauty, meaning. And the courage to live with a little more heart.

There’s a quote from One Tree Hill that I love. “Every song has a coda, a final movement. Whether it fades out or crashes away, every song ends. Is that any reason not to enjoy the music?” We’re all perpetually trying to figure out things, working our way through the rough terrain of life, wondering where it leads us. Well, with the right soundtrack, our journey can be a transcendent one.

 

INTO THE FOREST

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Last week, we drove down to Atvan for a much needed getaway. The morning was beautifully cleansed by a steady drizzle and soulful music filled the air. As we drew near, the slow upward climb was made surreal by the dense fog that hung over the valley like a thick, fluffy blanket. Atvan means ‘into the forest’ and it was exactly where I craved to be. After a small, rickety ride off the main road, we came upon the iron gates of the property where we were to spend the next couple of days. It was like stepping into another world, where all one could do was just ‘be’. The foliage was thick and glowing, the skies weeping in bursts every now and then. A subtle peace hung in the air and clung to us as we walked down the suspended wooden bridge that led to our tree house. It felt like ambling through a paradise that promised to hold me in its arms and heal me.

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The tree house itself was splendid, beckoning to me as if it was a home I’d never known I had. The lines between the indoors and outdoors were so artfully blurred that I could reach out over the railing and touch the branches from where I stood. For a nature junkie like me, there was nothing more to desire, nothing more to ask for. The best gift, however, was the birdsong. For the first time, I discovered the salacious warbling of the ‘Malabar Whistling Thrush’, aptly nicknamed ‘Whistling Schoolboy’. I’m known to fall in love more heavily with sounds than sights and I was properly charmed by this one.  The whistling of this bird has an uncannily human quality about it and the constant trill kept me amused throughout my stay there.

While there was still light, we explored the forest, walking along winding pathways and climbing slippery slopes. There were very few people around and it was just as well. The quietude was welcome and calmed my troubled heart like nothing else could. It was very reminiscent of my summers in pre-electric Mangalore, when the only illumination after dusk came from small lamps scattered around the house. Oftentimes, I long for those inky nights that were spent gazing at radiantly starry skies.

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Mostly, I am a happy person, but I suffer from intermittent existential malaise. There is a melancholy that runs through my veins, and most times that very darkness inspires me to be creative. Of late though, there had been constant spells of anxiety that rattled and numbed me in cycles. It wasn’t a good feeling. But right then, in the lap of nature, it seemed possible to wipe away the grime, lay down for a bit and stand up again. I felt ready to refocus and recalibrate. That said, the learning curve was yet to present itself.

As the day folded into night, a swarm of moths came out. The night was punctuated with their calls, but other than that it was a world that demanded nothing but the slow unwinding of a ragged soul. As I snuggled under the covers, peering out into the night through the wide glass wall, a stellar spectacle built up before me. My eyes lit up and widened to the effervescent dance of hundreds of glowing fireflies. It was like a secret rendezvous that was planned just for me. I was so dazzled by the wonder of it, that sleep just vanished and I stayed awake for hours watching as they twinkled and dimmed until I could no longer tell them apart from the stars above.

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It brought to mind a song by Owl City called ‘Fireflies’. A whimsical song that on the surface seems to speak about insomnia and childhood dreams, but is said to be more deeply about lucid dreaming or even astral projection.

The bioluminescence of a firefly is an enchanting process that involves conversion of chemical energy into light. Could these little beacons of hope then be passing on a message to us? That no matter how much darkness we’re drenched in, we could possibly make our own light? Lost in the embrace of that soft, mesmeric night, I surrendered to the dazzling flashes of life that these little critters brought me. For as they say, every blink of a firefly’s light says ‘Believe’.

FLUORESCENCE

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Thanksgiving need not be one day in a year; it’s an emotion that must be felt and expressed as a frequent, if not daily, ritual. So, as I celebrate another year of my earnest and quiet life, this constitutes a toast to all that I’m grateful for. A life, by no means perfect or even remotely recommended, but profound all the same. To me, what enables an impassioned, bona fide life is the people who grace it. People who have taught me to sift the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. If it wasn’t for these little superintended tutorials, I would have strayed and how.

Recently, my friend, Gazala, wrote about how they nurtured their bashful little orchid plant that refused to flower. It took a year and a half of coaxing and whispering sweet-nothings for a beautiful white orchid to finally bloom. That’s how people are too; you dust them with rhythmic sprinklings of love and encouragement and they’ll flourish.

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Sometimes, love can feel smothering though; but it does well to understand where it comes from. This reminds me of one of the two times I’ve talked back to my mother. Dad being away all the time made mum over-protective about me. I wasn’t allowed to stay out late and it rattled me to think of all the parties, camps and adolescent fun I was missing out on. One day I got flustered enough to blurt, “What do you suppose I might do in the dark, that isn’t possible in daylight?” She was hurt and I bitterly regretted my outburst.

Around that time, an aunt was giving me stitching lessons. One day, she taught me how to use the basting thread. A basting thread is essentially used to temporarily hold the fabric together and removed once the work is complete. Parents are quite like those basting threads, holding us together until we’re ready to face the world on our own. Like a butterfly that flies in and softly rests on an outstretched hand, the realization settled in on me. Through the years, I became mum’s confidante and she, my anchor.

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There is a beauty in leading by example and I have a list of people to thank. Doting family and vintage friends, no doubt; but the unacquainted too. The ones who came tiptoeing into my life and gifted me fresh perspectives. The ones who inspired me by being who they are, sharing their ideas and fortuitously guiding me to execute my own. The strangeness and magnificence of life is authenticated by such associations. And before you know it, these kindred souls become the flourish to your ordinary life.

A couple of years ago, when I signed up for a songwriting course, I had no idea that I was setting out on a journey to find a part of me that I didn’t know existed. It was a fun experiment that not only reinforced my belief in myself but showed me how a person you never ever meet can influence you. My mentor, Mr. Pattinson opened up a world that intrigued my passionate heart. I became a diligent student who never defaulted on assignments, even while on an overseas holiday. To the procrastinator in me, that was a growth beyond any other.

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As the days get longer and hotter, I draw strength from the Gulmohar tree outside my window which flowers abundantly in this season. Like a Japanese baby’s first hanami (cherry blossom viewing), I’ve always taken this season seriously. The Gulmohar brings back memories of a long forgotten childhood when we used to play under its fiery red canopy and wait for its long seed cases to turn brown and hard, so we could rattle them all day. But what really makes the Gulmohar precious to me is an allegory that I have dearly held on to for years: that the flowering of this bountiful tree coincides with my birthday for a reason. I see it as Nature’s gift to me; a reminder that when the summers of life get unbearable, there is always a burst of hope to cling on to. That even as life hurts me, it hands me the idea that I inherently possess the grace to find my own fluorescence.

Despite my polychromatic weaknesses, I have come a long way. I am beholden to all who walk with me and lend a hand to help me execute this sometimes dark, sometimes sparkling life with a poise that can only come from genuine love. Here’s hoping that a decade from now when I revisit this page, I’d be just as grateful.